|
I wish this thing would go away --
just go a-way! Away!!
'Round and 'round and up and down
Every single day.
I'm sick and tired of bleeding
Tho it's always a good cause.
But what's the use? I'm needng
a long awaited pause.
I tried to change my thinking
to positivity.
You'd think that this would be enough
to reconfigure me.
But nooooo ...
my will is not as strong as in my younger
years.
Instead of getting fighting mad,
I drown myself in tears.
I close my eyes and calm
myself
I shut the feelings out.
But it would be far better if
I'd jump and scream and shout.
You'd think that it was easy
To say what's on your mind.
But those of us who bottle up
our feelings can tell you different.
A
child molested, while mother watched
The man next door with lust,
The babysitter's late ride home
a child filled with disgust.
The
doctor's hands all over me
And those are just a few -
The years ahead bring more offense
and add a rape or two.
A
stalker breaking through my door
what's all this craziness?
Did I invite these awful deeds?
My mind is such a mess.
I
prayed and prayed with all my heart
forgiving all these men.
I even forgave myself
and hoped it all would end.
The
bitterness is well preserved
embedded in my bones.
They hold the trophies of my shame
my body is their home.
Every
one of these events
is like a poison dart.
Depositing venom of contempt
deep inside the heart.
Unable
to cope and so afraid,
Defenses I employ.
I put on weight, my house is a mess
I say good-bye to joy.
Withdrawn,
not trusting anyone
I slip into my shell.
My outward self will carry on
and guard my sadness well.
People
think I'm so alive
This is the me they know -
Who'd ever guess the loneliness
I try hard not to show.
But
after all these years I find
my blanket wearing thin.
The shroud of darkness doesn't help
it lets more sadness in.
The
time has come to open up
This chamber of horror within.
I must review these life-long wounds
so I can live again.
So now I'll take my trusted
friend
to a holy place we know -
I'll go up to the mountain top
and let these feelings go.
I'll
shout at rocks and name them, too;
The rage I will release.
And maybe then my heart will know
a greater sense of peace.
With
prayer and meditation
I'll speak to God again
to cleanse me from the morbid past
and bring it to an end.
My
soul at last unburdened
of all these hidden things,
I hope will now be lifted up
and ride on angel's wings.
|
