>>May I ask you if you had any therapy of any kind or has all this come by learning about yourself?

...At some point in the next few years, I would like to start up a women's support group on a small scale, mostly because I have not been able to find support for myself! When I reach a level of stability where I can get a group together, I hope this will be the start of some home groups that will be networked through the pitiful government agencies that have let so many of us down. I have lots of personal horror stories that are almost funny now that the crisis is past, but at the time they were enough to send a person all the way over the cliff.

Anyhow .... to answer your question about how I got my help .... oh boy .... honestly, I kept reaching out and reaching out. I begged for someone to throw me a rope and I'm telling you the truth when I say that many of the ropes that were thrown to me were wretched, rotten, slimy, rusty, loaded with other people's baggage, and every other kind of wrong! But in between, just before I slid into never-never land, God always sent an angel, or placed a stepping stone for me to stand on for a minute while I grabbed for the next little bit of rope. And with each piece of "wrong" -- guess what -- I was paying attention. I was learning.... learning what? (1) that they WERE wrong and (2) WHY they were wrong, and (3) finally, and most important -- that MY answers were probably better than those of any of the people I had been asking (except for God). It took me about 25 years to learn all that. I decided that the ultimate rebellion is to be happy ... think about that one!

OK ... so after seeking help from shrinks and religious leaders and doctors, etc. etc. ... and praying my heart out ... I did a lot of reading. The self-help books out there are amazing. You might read a whole book and only find ONE line in it that rings true -- take that one line and spit out the rest. You know, we were beaten down so much that we think we have no ability to form an opinion - we have no rights, no power. And it's only after we see the people we gave our power to make such a mess of our lives that we decide to take over the job ourselves, because we can do at least as well as they did! But there is no one to validate us. It was like the biggest cathedral bell you ever imagined ... clanging throughout the land ... when a dear friend said this to me: "Dianne, you may Never Hear the Words you Want to Hear ..... From the People you Want to Hear them From" ...... that's when I hit the wall. No where to go. The day of reckoning .... no negotiating with those words; I had to swallow the pill, and it stuck sideways in my throat like a chicken bone.  The light bulb was on ........ every single bit of my well being was going to have to come from inside of ME .... and nobody else was going to give any of it to me. I felt cheated ... but what about my birthright?!  Wasn't I entitled to have helpful, loving, nurturing parents?  I want loving nurturing parents!  And lots of helpers! I deserve it!  Every child deserves it!  I PROTEST!! And I protested for years. A little part of my heart wanted to submit to God, and I didn't want him to hate me for being so disobedient and rebellious ... but I felt so cheated!  And HURT and so very ANGRY! As the years went by, the scales adjusted so that I accepted more, and protested less, but it was a very long process. I WANT what I want! And I still hurt, and it's hard to take my medicine.  At least give me some understanding.  Am I just unlucky?  Am I jinxed?  Does God hate me?  Did I do something terrible in some other life, or WHAT ???

Then I started reading about near death experiences, reincarnation, karma, and scientific studies about people who had reported hospital experiences, etc. I had heard bits & pieces over the years about how we "chose our parents" and our families, and how we had certain "life lessons" and such .... well, at least that made more sense than just arbitrary torture because I would NEVER have chosen this kind of life for no reason! So I had a direction to seek out information. All the while I carried a running communication with God but was never confident that he was a kind God because he sure was not kind to me! Then I stumbled (yeah, right) onto some very interesting books and some more light bulbs went on. And I started feeling like I could TRUST my own instincts and ideas and opinions -- and I didn't ask so many other people what their opinions were -- the more opinions you get flying around, the more chaos there is. Then certain key people started coming into my life, one by one.  If I liked what they had to say, I stayed with them.  If the time came when I no longer felt like they were helping me, then I excused myself and went a different direction, or just spent time alone to digest what I was given. I spent a lot of time alone, quiet, digesting.  I'm learning how to recognize things that are not good for me, especially opinionated people.  I'm learning how to be kind to myself.  I find myself laughing at my mistakes and saying "no problem" a lot more!  I pretend that I'm my favorite child or niece - and I have come to believe that God loves me!  I spend time with nature. I eat good food, I forgive myself lots more than I ever used to ... and I just keep at it. A couple of really important things I try to remember to do are:

• KEEP THINGS SIMPLE -- I don't let people hammer me with their opinions about what I need. They don't get to rescue me or take credit for my getting well, etither!
• I try to stay away from negative people & places that have downer energy, especially occult or religions that are 'dark' -- what is dark? Whatever doesn't make you feel light. It feels like something put on you or over you, rather than lifting you up & releasing you.
• I keep away from gossip or negative talk, or anger, too much talk about the past. Keep talk productive; practice saying "this subject is bringing me down" and change the direction of what is going on - leave if you have to and feel good about it!
• Don't keep trophies or mementos of past - get rid of them! Keep your baby pictures if you want, but get rid of photos & things that put you in that "space" where you get into a funk, or that take you backwards instead of forward. Are you serious about getting well or not? You have to let go - how about a NEW trophy - a new YOU! Your victory takes something ugly and makes something really great out of it but two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time - you must choose.
• Try to do something positive every day ... even if it's just saying one good thing.
• Write affirmations.  Make a list once a week -- 10 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF
• When you find yourself buying & doing things for others too much, stop yourself and instead, buy or do something for YOU!  Say, "Wait a minute! I'm at LEAST as important as that person is! I think I will do this one for ME!"
• If you blow it, DO NOT beat yourself up.  Stop self abuse.  Say NO PROBLEM and then start over as many times as you like.   What is your primary goal? Housework? Exercise? Other responsibilities? NO! Your goal is to  STOP SELF-ABUSE.  Then you will be able to stop others from abusing you. This will be the key to your inner health.  
  

You will be surprised how much these things will start to reprogram your inner energy. Then when you catch yourself feeling really lousy -- save this one for when you feel your absolute worst -- Stand in the middle of the room -- face whatever direction you like best and pretend you are speaking to the Wizard of Oz, but actually you are speaking to yourself and to the entire Universe .... Take your hands, bend down and brush your energy from your toes, up to your legs, up to your stomach, and up through your entire body, out the top of your head, and sweep your arms out like a bird ... and say something absolutely totally empowering like ...

  I am the most blessed child of God!!  I am wonderful!!  And I will prevail!!

or something so totally happy - to defy the crappy feelings you started with. After all, they are just feelings. Yes, they can stop you in your tracks; they can cripple you ... but wow .... when you can catch a burst of wind and fly above your affliction and be one with the universe and laugh in its face ..... how incredible is that? Why not take that moment?

And that is how I find my happiness ... one moment at a time.
Does this help? Please do keep in touch! With much love to you, Dianne