You are a 77-year old man ... I am a 54-year
old woman, and yet we are both still broken little children. We are broken
because of the sins of our fathers, and their fathers, and their fathers.
Who would break the cycle of abuse in our family?
You did not.
At least I did. I never beat my children.
I never shamed them. I never betrayed them. I never taught
them sexual perversion and forced them to carry shameful secrets and confusion
into their adult lives, pressing down secrets so far that they cannot find
the key to their own freedom. I did not abandon them in their pain
while I made it to "Happy Hour" and my golf games. If my children
reach out to me, I jump to help them because we all need as much help as
we can get in this life. But you have pushed us all far away so you
can be unburdened by any fatherly duties or responsibilities. We have
been left to pick up the pieces of your mess. We have been left to
repair the damage you have done and find our way in this world with only
the shadow of a man who calls himself our father - a man who is making jokes
at the bar with his buddies while nearly all his children are dead or seeking
counselors and having nervous breakdowns. And they are all younger
than me ... this is horrifying. The question is, what are you going to do about it?
How many thousands of hours and dollars have
been spent (and miles have been traveled) seeking help, trying to become
free from the damage you caused? How many times over have I been a
victim - starting with the abuse you heaped upon me, continuing with the
hatred I learned to inflict upon myself, and invite others to put upon me?
I learned to sabotage any love or kindness that came my way because
I was taught I did not deserve it. And I was not alone.
Not only was I made to suffer by your cruelty,
but I had to witness your devastation upon each and every other family member
from the mother on down to the tiniest baby - and they kept on coming one
after the other. Why would parents have so many children and then
set about to destroy them? I could never understand such inhumanity.
There simply is no excuse - even hardened criminals understand that.
They hold no quarter for such offenders. There is always an option
to inflicting cruelty on a defenseless child.
I understand that abuse is often the result
of having been abused yourself. I was born to empathize. And
I did empathize with you - you sensed that from my infancy. You saw
it in my eyes and you used it. You knew I would love you and serve
you at any cost and any sacrifice. And I did for most of my life.
I was the one who paid the price while you went about your selfish
life. I was the one who ended up with chronic illness and depression,
bleeding from places they couldn't detect, and all manner of internal dysfunction.
Why? Because I took YOUR responsibility. I took YOUR pain.
I carried YOUR burden. And it broke me.
I am still broken.
But I want to live, father. I want to
have a life, and I want to find happiness before I die. I don't want
to be your beast of burden anymore. My younger brothers and sisters
who are still living (there are only half of us) don't know what history
is between you and me, and do not understand why I cannot simply forget
the past. They were the "children" and I was their caretaker even though we were all so close in age. I was your 'little mommy' - no one knows what our relationship was like. I have taken so much crap from the siblings - they say
"get over it" and "that was then, this is now" .... they have no idea what
unfinished business is between us. But you know and I know. And
God knows. And my brothers and sisters in spirit know because nothing
is hidden in spirit.
That is why I have done my best - not only to forgive you many times over for the pains of my childhood, but I have gone
on in my healing work to learn how to forgive myself .... to work my way
to that frightening door that hides those memories that keep me chained
in the depression that will not let go of me. I understand that there
is rage coming from behind that door, but I don't know the reason. Every
time I get close, my mind shuts off .... my breathing goes shallow ....
my voice squeaks .... and then everything goes black.
You must help me - while there is still time.
I want to live. The child wants to grow
up. The soul fragments want to return and integrate. I want to be
whole. I want to stop crying. I want to stop being a recluse.
I want to have friends. I want to stop hurting.
We can sit down together and talk. Once again
I will open my heart to you. I know we are all just frail, fallen,
flawed human beings. You had a terrible childhood - you were lost
and you were beaten. You were sexually assaulted. You were this
and you were that. I am so sorry.
