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| Let's start at the beginning ..... |
Childhood
... Born
second of 10 children. Five are deceased. It
is very difficult to think about my childhood
days. In fact, a lot of those
years are blocked from my memory. Once
in a while something will trigger a memory
and my adult cognizant reasoning
tells me it was even more messed up than
I knew it to be as a child. Too much
trauma, too much pain. So ... It was the setup for a plethora of life challenges and I'm still working out some of the fallout. I
detached myself from this madness at age
16 and was gone for over 22 years. |
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*
Childhood -Revision 2007*
Over the course
of my life journey - through much processing, research and study, I have come to understand
that my parents and family members were very carefully and lovingly chosen pre-birth
.... for my spiritual learning and growth during this earthly sojourn. I am still working
out the issues of my childhood because of the traumas involved, but that is the design
of my life experience. I do not regret the
opportunities that have been given to me, even though I cry and wail my way through the rough times.
Some of us have heaped a great deal of hardship upon our plates during this earthly
walk ... in order to expedite our spiritual growth, as I have come to realize. So with
that perspective, I ask forgiveness for my shortcomings and foibles, and I once again
give thanks for all those who have played their part in my dramas & vignettes in this
great masterpiece & grand production we call life. |
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In
the early 60's ... I
was unaware of social issues. My
life was spent surviving the turbulence
of a violent family, caring for a bunch
of siblings and
baby-sitting as much as possible to earn
money & get out of the house. I
always studied other people's families
to see what a 'normal' life might be like. I
slept with one eye open and gingerly sidestepped
the land mines thrown
our way by parents who invented the word dysfunctional. It
was our private hell. My refuge was
in art & crafts, and I lost myself
in music, especially sad songs, social
outcries, and laments or torch songs. Want
to see a partial
list of
my favorites? |
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*
60's - Revision - 2006*
I
keep trying to make sense of my early life and have wandered, zig-zagged, climbed up and down & all around the conundrum of it all. But in the end, if I take a break from all the my compulsive analyzing, it really comes down to the simple fact that if we have a belief system based on faith, we must hold fast to that faith knowing that all things are for our benefit. This will short-circuit all the whining, wailing and replaying of our tragic story-telling of the past. I, for one, have worn out my recording of "my horrible life" with chapters of "look what I have endured", "I've been so alone", "why me?". Such a pitiful story. All hardship carries a hidden blessing and the enlightened soul will one day kiss the hand that brings it. Oh, what a pitiful person bemoans his suffering. I have been humbled more than once for my tantrums before the Creator who is teaching us the meaning of LOVE and all its virtues. |
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Hip
or Straight? ... In
1966 just as I started my junior year in
high school, my father ordered
me out of the house before he got home
from work. I was sent to a tiny town
in Oregon to stay with a man who had been
a hermit for over 35 years - named Bill
Buck - who they thought was my mother's
father by rape. Just another example
of how I kept getting the message that
my life was of little or no value - a resounding
mantra that was rooted into my psyche since
before I can remember by means of beatings,
rantings and mental abuses. During
this year in a town much like Mayberry
RFD, I saw a Life magazine cover showing
a joint,
and also reporting on the Vietnam
war. But since the town was so small,
there was no real involvement in the new
counterculture that was brewing in larger
metropolitan cities. I moved back
to Seattle at the end of the school year,
and after jostling with public health agencies,
I managed to get placed into a foster home....
the best thing that ever happened to me. Of
course there was the guilt of abandoning
my siblings since I was their caretaker
for so many years. I felt extremely
selfish to want a life of my own. But I
did it anyway. I was invited into
a select singing group and enjoyed performing
around the state. We sang for a trendy
movement called "Up With People" -
and that was the last of my "straight" activities. Shortly
after that I began smoking pot, dropping
acid and hanging out with all sorts of
artistic, musical, philosophical, Bohemian
type people. This was now my niche,
considering there were only 2 choices --
Hip or Straight. |
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The
Commune Life ... wasn't
such a bad idea. I was starving
for any shred of love & kindness
that I could find. Communal
people helped each other - for the
most part they were nonjudgmental and
offered unconditional love. Of
course, it didn't take long to see a
mentality of judging the degree of hip-ness
in nearly all people. Just like
the Black people discriminate against
other Blacks depending on their shade
of color, there was a disappointing inherent
separatist instinct, which is attributable
to human nature, that popped the idealistic
bubble of love that I thought I had found. The
hippies seemed to be moving away from
communal nurturing, and gravitating toward
selfishness & indifference. The
one strong uniting force was our objection to
U.S. involvement in Vietnam. I had co-authored
an underground newspaper and began to
march with the Vietnam Vets Against the
War. Then in 1968 I started college, & met
the lead guitar player at the welcoming
dance party. He was 21, a senior,
working toward his Master's degree in
Music. He was an excellent rock
musician and also symphony musician. Music
was the center of our life. That
was September. I moved in with him in
November, and the following February
(I was 18 yrs. old) we were married in
a far out bonified hippie wedding with
the band members and my ultra conservative
Norwegian Lutheran in-laws. It was definitely
a "trip" !! A year later
my daughter was
born - this was my chance to create a
vessel of love, and to create a real
family. During this time we played
a lot of gigs, I made beads & hippie
jewelry, as well as clothes. Of
course, in those days we used fabrics
that cannot be machine washed and rarely
did anyone take their clothes to the
cleaners. I sewed with velvet & satin
- lots of "unwashable" fabrics. I
even made my husband a pair of bell bottoms
out of mattress ticking. We had
a lot of fun in those days. We
dropped acid and went to see 2001 A Space
Odyssey, and we dropped acid before going
to see Frederico Felini movies. We
had huge acid parties, went to rock festivals,
made all sorts of hippie crafts including
hand dipped & sculpted candles, macramé jewelry & plant
hangers, just to name a couple of projects. My
daughter was one of the first babies
to have tie-dyed diapers! We
reveled in the Bohemian lifestyle. It
was the best of times in many ways. The
idealism of universal LOVE resulted in
activists who brought about many positive
changes in our society as well as around
the world. |
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The
Cult ... In
1972 the marriage fell apart. I moved
back to Seattle into an apartment on Capitol
Hill (we called it "Pill Hill")
and within a couple of months, I ended
up in a religious cult. It was one
of those "love you to death" type
of cults and I thought I had found a new
niche I ended up trading one bundle
of neuroses for a whole bunch of new ones.
I studied the dynamics of this experience
and learned a lot about human nature -
behaviors and agendas. The leaders & manipulators,
and the ones who wanted to be led and manipulated. It
was a good place to heal from childhood
wounds, but the traumas inflicted by the "church" trouble
me even to this day. If you want
to read more details of life in this particular
cult, click HERE . Daniel
Azuma has written an exhaustive expose'
with clear insights
into the modus operendi and psychological
effects of the cult experience. |
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The
Great White Lie ... The "Local
Church" seemed to be the perfect
place to be at that time. Mandated
to love one another (so I thought), communal
living, exuberant singing
and praying, clean cut living with good
jobs and a huge support system. The perfect
scenario for someone damaged by childhood
abuse. Most importantly, it would
be a much better place to raise my 1-year-old
daughter rather than than in the hippie
music/drug scene. However,
the happy nurturing and unconditional
love gradually evolved into control and
discipline. Once again my personal
worth was defined by
my usefulness and deference to
people who thought they were entitled
to control my every breath - in this
case, the "church" elders & elderesses. There
was expert brain washing, including a
deeply programmed fear that if you ever
left the group, you would die or some
terrible disaster would befall you. The
joy gave way to degradation, corrosion and
continual - "dealing with the self" - asceticism in
extreme measures. All of life became
a "dealing" with severe penalties
for being human rather than "Christ-like". The
pressure was intense. I met a new
member and due to extreme loneliness & lack
of emotional support from the church,
I set out to know him. In a few
months we ended up having a conference
with the elders who gave us permission
to marry. We never dated - he could
take me
and my daughter out for ice cream
only if he intended to marry me. How
bizarre is that? We had a drab,
almost funeral-type wedding, then proceeded
to get acquainted. We had 2
children who are carrying wounds
from their experience in "the church" to
this very minute. They were taught
that their success in the "churchlife" depended
on rejection of their "rebel" mother. They
have great difficulty in trusting anyone,
or giving & receiving love. This
is the most terrible heartache I have
ever experienced in my entire life. The
marriage lasted almost ten years but
it was over long before that. One
point of contention was the church mandate
that women be subservient to all men. We
were taught that the only reason we were
born was to be useful and to serve the
men. And if we ever got any happiness
out of it, to count ourselves lucky. I
found myself looking for a second opinion. |
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The
Irony ... After
much trauma, grief and intestinal problems,
I finally started making plans to leave the
cult. It took a year to accomplish
my retreat in order to have a minimal ripple
effect. I left town and after being
out of touch with the world for 14 years,
I visited a friend for a weekend and ended
up living in - of all places - Las Vegas. Funny
thing is, the people in this town loved me!
They treated me like a princess. Nobody
was shaking their finger in my face or degrading
me, or condemning me ... it was totally the
contrary. Isn't it ironic that the
town with the worst reputation, "Sin
City" would be the town that embraced
me and allowed me to be myself. There's
a deep spiritual lesson here. After
15 years recovering from this cult, this
is my personal testimony. |
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Las
Vegas ... the
phrase, "... not in Kansas anymore,
Toto" is an understatement! I
was alone with no support system since
14 years in the cult had removed all non "church" members
from my life. I had come to Las
Vegas to visit an old friend ... everything
went my way for once, and life was pure
magic ... in the beginning. I had
a blank slate on which to create a new
identity, establish new values, and make
a new plan for living. I set about
gathering data in order to create the new
me. I got into the heart of several
sub-cultures including the seedy side of
life ... deep in the alleys where angels
fear to tread. I gathered as much
data as I could and eventually traded my
career as a legal secretary for a new one
as a Blackjack Dealer,
starting out in the small dingy casinos
and working my way up to one of the nicest
new resort properties on
the "strip." The years
and parties have all flown away ... I've
been in the tourist trenches for about
16 years now. It's time for a change
of venue - think I'll look for a nice quiet
job as a graphics
artist in a small local company. If
there was ever a town built on graphics,
it must be this one! My goal is to
have a complete change of career by the
end of June, 2002. |
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| Life with the "Godfather"
... One night, while dealing the dummy job (Big 6 Wheel) at the Sahara Hotel/Casino in 1995, I met James Brown. I have a million stories, photos, memorabilia, etc. Long story short: I asked for an autograph. He invited me to dinner, then his show, then New York, then his home in Beech Island, SC., then he asked me to marry him, then he asked me not to leave. We were "as married" - he referred to me as his wife instinctively, tabloids congratulated us. Thank God I did not sign any papers! That wasn't part of the deal - my spiritual assignment. I was teaching him about love & he was teaching me about control. It was sacred.
He says he's from Augusta, Georgia, but he drove me around his childhood neighborhood in Tacoa every single day for a Summer. He told me so many stories, but would never let me record them. He played me many secret music recordings - gems in the vault - and I convinced him to release "Lucky Old Sun" which is one of my favorites along with "If I ruled the World". I lived with him, toured with him, touched God with him, and experienced the cut-throat music world & celebrity life to the max. Too much to tell .. I might write a book. We knew it was a star-crossed meeting. Destiny. When I moved in with him - Feb. 1996, he was a basket case following the accidental death of his 15-year wife, Adrianne. I was on a mission - to bring him authenticity and unconditional love - a whole new "bag". He is an expert in the games people play; I brought something new:. NO GAME. It jammed his gears more than once! I made this statement to his whole empire -- met thousands of people & celebrities. Learned so much more about human nature, show biz, and authenticity.
I refused to attend the 1996 "GQ Man of the Year Awards". He was going to sing "It's a Man's World", and I just could not give an "amen" to that. I left him with much drama, and gratitude for the overall experience. It added tremendously to my studies of human nature - the "WHY" of things & cause-effects of choices.
Here's my photo scrapbook: www.4starbiz.com/missdeal/brown --->You'll need Flash Player. |
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Life
with the Navajo's ... A long
story short: I met a man through
my web work who just happened to be a 'Roadman'
- [I supposed you could say "medicine
man"] and began an accelerated phase
of my inner healing. He taught me
many things. His family adopted me
and I traveled with them around the country
attending various tribal meetings. It was
an incredible experience, which led to
the eventual forgiveness and reconciliation
with my mother - shocked our entire family. |
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Spring
Pilgrimage ... On
June 1, 2002 I took my tourist tromped
burnt out casino arse to the wonderful
town of San Francisco, the City by the
Bay. I visited the ocean and then
spent an afternoon in Haight Ashbury. It
was an awesome trip -- my notes are here. Upon
return, I was inspired to do my part to
ignite the LOVE VIBE by means of a "10
Ways to Peace Contest" in which the
prizes began with my collected memorabilia
from Haight Ashbury. The prizes have
all been awarded - winning entries will
be posted soon. Read more about this
contest here. |
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Summer
of Love - 2002 ... Life
is so strange! How strange? Well, if
little old me can end up in an HBO movie dancing
with James Brown, I suppose it's conceivable
that I could quit my Las Vegas job making
more than $50k a year, and return to my hometown,
Seattle. After many years of spiritual
seeking, I have forgiven and reconciled with
my mother, and will be living with her for
an undetermined length of time. This
is where I have come to RECLAIM myself. I
will surely elaborate on this latest adventure
of the soul, in my future writings. For
now, my healing process is spilled out in
my poetry. |
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A
New Year - 2003 ... It's
been 5 months now, and what an intense experience. I
returned to the mother, the home, the house,
the bedroom where my most painful childhood
days were spent. I experienced an epiphany
last October when I confronted
my father,* the first bully in my life. It
was not pretty, and there is still fallout,
but I trust now that the fear has been broken,
a window has been opened up to receive healing
and forgiveness. This
was a giant step in reclaiming myself - my
sense of self-worth and personal power. A
wise person once told me that we only allow
people to abuse us to the degree that we
would abuse ourselves. What an awakening
that was. It's all a question of health
- emotional health is often overlooked or
misunderstood, yet it is the most critical.
*[Note:
This intensely personal letter is posted only for
the purpose of helping others who are dealing with
issues of domestic violence, and is a baring of my
soul so that others may find their way back to a
sense of worth and personal strength. It is
necessary for both perpetrators and victims to see
the dynamics involved in this crime of humans against
humans - may we all help one another evolve beyond
such behavior.] |
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This
same wise man, my Indian Shaman, told me that
we attract repeating scenarios to ourselves
so that we can learn to correct them. You
have to think about that a lot to really get
it. How many of our life situations bring
the same problems? People tell you that
you attract a certain kind of man or woman,
you keep falling into the same problem, why? So
you can learn how to correct it -- to learn
something about yourself. To correct
something within yourself. Deepak
Chopra and many other spiritual people
through the centuries have said that every
where we turn, we keep running into ourself
- I wondered what that meant. Finally
I figured it out -- after 50 years of taking
notes of the steps I've been walking in my
life, and praying & asking questions and
listening for answers. Finally I started seeing
where I could make some changes to create the
kind of life I wanted.
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2004
-Still
a Flower Child ...
Now there are only two things left on my "To-Do-before-I-die" list
... unless Creator God has something else in mind. One
is to connect with my mate - wherever he is. I
do believe there is a kind, and beautiful spirit
of a man who is looking for me ... and we will be
great companions for each other if we can just find
each other. The other thing is my work -- I
am preparing to embark on research for future *work
concerning the establishment of network support groups
for women and lost people in domestic crisis, especially
those who fall through the cracks of the social services
programs. Many of us know what a nightmare the establishment
welfare system is, and if any of you readers has
ever needed crisis intervention, suicide intervention,
or emergency assistance, you know what I'm talking
about. If you have not been fortunate enough to have
a caring human being to come to your rescue, you
are screwed. And hopeless. That is the situation
I want to make a contribution to, because truly I
have been there and I can fully empathize with people
who are at the very end of hope. It is my belief
that once we have been brought back to our feet,
it is our spiritual responsibility to reach out to
others ... and continue the circle of assistance
... to help others with the help we have been given.
That is the karmic law ... that completes the circle
of love. That is my mission from this point on. I
suppose I still carry the Love Vibe that I was seeking
in the 60's Hippie Movement ... I guess I found it
after all. It never was in the movement, or
in the music, per se, or in the people exactly, but
it WAS in the vibration -
the energy. I felt it. I sensed it, and I wanted it. I grabbed
it, I embraced it and I merged with it, to the point
where I felt like I became it .... the awareness that we are
a vital part of one another - the realization that
all things connect and affect one another, and that
we need to nurture and care for one another - that real communal
vibration is me -- it matches me to the core - to
the point where I hope that one day, at the end of
my walk, I can say I understand, I have learned,
and now I AM LOVE.
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* NOTE *
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I've
decided that life as a human seems to come in parts:
| Part
1
| Setting up those life challenges - in other words, building stuff you will have to tear down and re-structure! Beliefs will be challenged, foundations will crumble, and nothing will make sense - for a while. Then you choose how to deal with life - let it beat you, or find your better self. |
| Part
2
| Your
head is spinning, you see shrinks,
do drugs, flip out going "What
just happened?" (some
people never get out of this stage) |
| Part
3
| You
find serenity, find ways
to cope, or set out to fix what went
wrong. You learn & grow. |
| Part
4
| You
complete the circle of life by helping others in some way, with what you have learned. |
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